Life after divorce is a mix of so many emotions. It can feel like you are putting out fires all over the place. There are so many things to consider when starting over again after a divorce. Once the dust settles, you may begin thinking about dating.
Dating in general is equivalent to a 100-yard dash. You “go out there” to meet someone you could spend the rest of your life with.
When you were single, the world may have felt full of possibilities, and going on dates may have been exciting. Dating after divorce can be met with more trepidation than a dental visit to have a tooth extracted—it can be painful and scary.
There Is Still Life After Divorce
You’ve been through so much pain and loss, finding that excitement you felt about dating before you were married can now feel non-existent.
For those who fared well in the dating game before being married, dating after divorce may be seen as just a new adventure. I had a friend who jumped into online dating before her ex-husband officially moved out. She felt ready to get back in the saddle.
Then there are women like me who could not even think about dating again. My priority was healing from the pain and betrayal I had been through. In addition, I never liked the dating scene even before I was married.
I sent a powerful intention out to the Universe that I wanted to heal on a deep level so that I didn’t attract the same kind of man and/or the same relationship patterns I had found myself in. I wanted to find my soul mate, but I knew deep down that it would take me healing first.
Once I was ready to date, I set another powerful intention out to find my soul mate without going on endless dates with different guys.
I spent two and a half years “working” on myself, healing, and focusing on being the best mom I could be. It was a time of tremendous growth.
I was then ready when my soul mate showed up. He was only the first date I went on after my divorce. Five years and still going strong, I’m happy with how it all turned out.
17 Pieces of Dating Advice for Life After Divorce
You might be wondering how you can get back out in the dating world after your divorce with as little angst as possible.
Here are my top 17 pieces of dating advice for life after divorce.
1. Wait to Date
This is probably not what you wanted to hear right out of the gate, but taking time to be alone is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. It’s a golden opportunity to get to know yourself and what you like and don’t like.
It gives you sacred time to heal on a deep level, something you probably have not done before. Taking your time will allow you to grieve your loss more fully.
2. Practice Self-Care
When you take great care of yourself, you will feel good, and your confidence will increase. This will help you “attract” the person you desire.
When you feel good, your energy will attract like-minded people.
3. Do the Inner Work
The time after divorce that I call the “Void” is the perfect time to go within and heal any limiting beliefs about love and relationships you have. If you’ve noticed you keep repeating the same patterns in your relationships or choosing the same “type” of guy, you have work to do.
Find ways to heal from within using energy and tools such as emotional freedom techniques (EFT).[1]
4. Keep Your Life Separate From Your Role as a Mom
Your kids do not need to be involved in that part of your life. Keeping it private will help you make decisions based on what is important to you.
Getting children involved too soon can cause avoidable pain for them. If the relationship does not last, your children don’t have to go through yet another loss.
Giving your child or children time to adjust to their new normal is a gift for them. Research shows that your rapport with your children will also impact what effects your dating has on them.[2]
Spending time building your relationship with your children after divorce is of utmost importance.
5. Get Clear on What You Want
What do you desire for your life? What do you desire in a significant other? How do you want your relationship to be? Do you believe it’s possible for you? (The latter question alone can help you uncover any subconscious beliefs about love, relationships, and worthiness.)
When you ask yourself this question, write down the answer you receive. Don’t worry if you feel you are making it up. The answers that do come to you are coming from your Higher Self.
6. Become the Person You Were Meant to Be
When you do the inner work, get clear on what you desire in a partner. It’s important to embody who you need to be to attract the partner and the relationship you desire.
Begin by showing up as who you want to be. If you must fake it until you make it, that’s okay. Begin to embody being more confident if that is what you desire in a partner.
7. Surround Yourself With People Who Make You Feel Good
Choose who you spend your time with wisely. Build a network of positive people in your life who you can trust.
When you have a supportive network, you will not feel alone in the world. This will help you feel more confident and patient in your approach to attracting a new relationship.
8. Stop Negative Thoughts Quickly
It can become easy to think negatively especially if you’ve been through serious trauma while married and/or through the divorce proceedings.
Dating after divorce can dredge up so many emotions. It can feel like you are spiraling into doom and gloom at the thought of going on a date.
One of the most powerful ways to quickly stop negative thoughts in their tracks is to connect to your heart and breathe.
9. Make a List
You may have heard this before, but this does work. It helps you be specific in what you desire in a partner or relationship.
List as many traits/characteristics you are looking for. Once you’ve completed your list, check the top five traits that are a must. These are things you will not negotiate.
This will help you identify quickly who you would continue to date or not.
10. Be Open
Pay more attention to how you feel when you meet someone new. They may not be what you imagined physically, but don’t discount this person if you feel good when you are with them. You never know where it may lead.
11. Take Your Time Getting to Know Each Other
When you do meet someone that makes you feel good, take your time getting to know each other. Research shows that the divorce rate for second marriages is higher than for first marriages.[3]
It’s not to discourage anyone but to point out the importance of being more conscious of your decisions this time around. This can save you from future heartbreak. Don’t settle for less than you deserve.
12. Wait to Be Intimate With Your New Partner
I’m not sure what the “rules” are for the timing of becoming intimate with a new partner. I never followed anyone else’s rules to navigate my own life. People tend to quickly become “attached” to a partner after sex, so it’s difficult for some people to detach emotionally after being intimate with someone new.
Taking your time getting to know someone and waiting until you are sure that you want to spend time with this person will help you think more clearly. You can make your decisions more objectively this way.
13. Be Okay With Being Alone
Surrender to being alone. Society puts so much pressure on singles to couple up, but there is nothing inherently wrong with you if you have no desire to be in a relationship or you want to take your time.
It’s better to be single than be in an unhappy partnership.
14. Set a Powerful Intention
Once you know you are ready to meet someone new, set a powerful intention for what you desire. Writing it down gives it more power. Your intention is like a magnet drawing to you your deepest heart’s desire.
15. You Will Know When You Are Ready to Date
You will know by how you feel. If you dread getting back out there and meeting new people, then you aren’t ready—and that’s okay.
You are the only one who knows how you feel inside. Trust your inner wisdom to show you the way.
Just like when someone walks into a new home and knows instantly it is their house, you will feel it when you are ready to meet someone new.
16. Prepare to Meet Your New Partner
When you are finally ready to meet someone new and someone you desire a relationship with, make the changes now that are bound to happen in the future anyway.
For instance, clear out one side of your closet to make space for your new partner’s clothes. Change your bed or bedding to shift the energy to allow someone new in your bed.
17. Date for More Than Two Years Before You Consider Remarrying
It takes at least 1.5 years to truly get to know someone.[4] Taking your time getting to know each other is essential to a successful union.
It’s a great time to ask important questions about parenting styles, finances, extended family, career goals, and what is most important for each of you.
Final Thoughts
Whether you are ready to date now or not, remember that the dating life after divorce can be what you want it to be. You just need to be clear on what you desire, set your intention, prepare for what you want, and allow it to come to you.
The best piece of advice I have for you is to trust the process.
Featured photo credit: René Ranisch via unsplash.com
Reference
| [1] | ^ | PubMed Central: Clinical EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) Improves Multiple Physiological Markers of Health |
| [2] | ^ | ResearchGate: Is It OK If Mommy Dates? The Influence of Mother’s Post-Divorce Dating Transitions for Children’s Behaviors |
| [3] | ^ | Divorce Statistics: Divorce Statistics and Divorce Rate in the USA |
| [4] | ^ | Psychology Today: How Long Does It Take to Get to Know Someone? |
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